I think that deep down, everyone has a desire to be loved and understood. We spend our lives cultivating relationships in hopes that the people we care about care about us too, and truly want to see you for you, and not superimpose their ideals and wants on their perception of you. 

   Love in all forms is complicated, from the realization that your parents are only human and make mistakes, to bittersweet goodbyes to a romantic partner that you love but can no longer pursue. 

   Our 20's are for coming into our own, and as I enter my late 20's I realize that there are many kinds of love I've already had the privilege to experience. Of all the relationships I've had the pleasure to cultivate, I find that friendships are some of the most rewarding. Celebrating you and your friends' accomplishments, working through adversity together, challenging each other to grow and make better choices, the late night talks, the emotional support, the positive encouragement from someone who wants nothing more than to see you succeed...in this way, we create a community around us that will love and cherish us for our whole lives. Friendships come and go, they fade in and out, but the deep sense of care and affection you have for your close friends never really fade, even if your communication lulls. 

   In my (almost) 27 years, I have had the immense privilege of meeting the most interesting people, and I can only imagine who else I'll meet in my brief time here on Earth. Lovely, beautiful people with rich histories and ringing laughter fill my life, as they do everyone else's. We all go through our struggles and sorrows, but finding strength in community is our common denominator. It is through our friends we learn what platonic love is. It is through our friends that we find meaningful connection without the worry of the complexities of navigating through romantic relationships and sex. We learn to love our friends with all their shortcomings and to celebrate their growth. I love my friends deeply. 

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   My two dear friends got married this weekend. Their love is so devoted, so tender. The way they care about each other and tend to their other half's needs guides me to treat myself and my relationships with the same care. They are both creatives, and the way they inspire each other and feed off each other's energy makes me envious. Nobody is perfect, but their commitment to love each other through the difficult, in spite of the mistakes, and the way they care for each other int their times of weakness and strife is truly something to aim towards. 

   My own relationships are often complex, as everyone has their own traumas and baggage to navigate. I find that there's something to celebrate and to love in everyone, and I truly believe everyone is deserving of love and understanding. 

   In life, lots of people navigate their relationships in an all or nothing sort of way. I don't live like this; there's always a spectrum. I've played by the rules of how relationships are supposed to progress, and I find that perhaps the "norm" doesn't work well for me. I enjoy deep, meaningful relationships with friends, and no time limit for a pause in communication. I enjoy casually getting to know someone without the expectation of a dedicated relationship. I know my ideals may not be for everyone, but it takes a lot of the anxiety of having a timeline out of my experiences with people. 

   I love people, and I love learning about people. There is a saying, "To be seen is to be loved." But, I don't agree with that in its entirety. To me, to be known-truly known- is to be loved. Dear Reader, I hope that your relationships-platonic or not-are full of people who know you. May the bittersweet goodbyes of inevitable partings slowly crumble to fond memories of lovers past, and may new loves bloom for you in fields. May our endings and beginnings bear sweet fruit, and lasting friendships for our lives, however long we are blessed to have them. 

   Being with an opera singer is hard. Between the constant initial grind of Auditions, coachings, and apprenticeships, it can seem like quality time (or time at all) with your partner is scarce to be had. There is always work to be done; translating, practicing, finding new techniques, learning language, research, etc. It's no wonder why opera singers are known to not have much of a life outside of their chosen career. It's similar to all those whose passion consumes them: how does one find a balance between the constant call of improvement and a home life? For many working singers, their partner is also a performer, or at least involved in the arts in some way. It's much easier to find balance with someone who understands just how much their career demands. Career opera singers are frequently on the road, travelling from one 5-week gig to their next. 

   Now picture, in addition to all of these factors, the person you've chosen to commit to in some capacity is also human, with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own traumas and flaws. To those not compatible with the lifestyle, the sheer stress of being with a performer can be overwhelming. It should be stated that many opera singers enjoy a lush home life; with contented partners and happy children aplenty. The real chore is finding and maintaining that balance.


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   I find that my particular quirks make it difficult enough to find someone compatible; and those who believe they can handle the loneliness of having a frequently-absent partner are-many times-mistaken. The romantic plight of the opera singer is this: to find a love and relationship so strong it can withstand the stress of the career they pursue. As of last week, I am newly single, and the progression of how I came to be has caused a lot of personal reflection to occur. Relationships are not one-sided, it takes two (or more, you do you) to have a strong and lasting bond, and I find that my people-pleasing tendencies are more of a detriment than a help.
 

   As bitter as I feel about the actions my now ex-partner took that caused me to end our relationship, I realized that his actions weren't about me, but about him, as they had always been. As I turned to focus on the upcoming performance ahead, I realized that in order to take care of my former partner,  I had neglected to take care of myself. My little rituals, the intentional ways I had enjoyed taking care of myself, what I chose to do in my off time and how I chose to feed myself-all of it had been rather negatively affected by my relationship. At 26, I think it's time to be more intentional with myself. Life for me didn't end when I was 17, so now that I'm still around almost a decade later, I may as well take a chance and learn how to thrive, instead of barely survive. 

   It has taken a few relationships to realize that perhaps a big part of growing up and maturing is taking accountability for your actions. While I have absolutely grown more comfortable with admitting and accepting my mistakes, I want to take this time to really take ownership of myself. I want to develop healthy habits, revel in the joy that life has to offer, create my own home, and truly, deeply, enjoy what life has to offer. I think it's time for me to work more openly on my career goals, to be more intentional with how I love myself, and to be more intentional with the relationships I cultivate. 

    As apt as this timing has been, here are a few goals I hope to begin cultivating now (but we can call them New Year's Resolutions, for the aesthetic):

   1. Continue to cultivate a daily movement routine

   2. Prioritize friendships more

   3. Grow my social media & continue blogging

   4. Begin giving recitals (this one is daunting!)


   I hope that if you, Dear Reader, are going through a breakup, that you can accept it with grace and take the extra time you have to take care of yourself with intention. I hope we can both learn to thrive and to be present in this life, and to learn to embrace it to the fullest.  

Happy Holidays, Dear Reader. May the new calendar year bring us joy and community aplenty.
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